The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
