What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
