i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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