Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You surviving the open bar?
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I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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