im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize