So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
