Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
