he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
