I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
no you cant smoke seaweed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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