$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
