Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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