FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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