Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
