I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
