My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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