i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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