The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
