Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
