Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
