she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
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When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
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I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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