1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
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