We're like a lot better than the average bears
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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