the condom got lost in my hair
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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