Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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