As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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