Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
