last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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