Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
