I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
