The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
