i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
