I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
