my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
do herpes really smell.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
