just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
