yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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