sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
