I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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