I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
