Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
