ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
