I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
