I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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