'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
