I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
