I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
