i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Randomize
