dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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