oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
