mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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