fuck your aforementioned shoe
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
