Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
