So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
