Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
