I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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